Holiday Hardships
I don’t think it comes as a shock that the holidays can be a joyous time full of love and laughter, but that it can also be a time where greater anxiety, depression, and trauma surfaces and/or re-surfaces. Some individuals may not have intact family relations. So when it comes time to paying the family a visit during the holidays, greater anxiety may result, which can have an impact on mental well-being. Of course, 2020 looks a lot different with quarantine/lockdown orders in place, where many individuals may not be scheduling family visits this year. Some might think, well these individuals dodged a bullet then. This may be true, but other confounding variables may, then, arise. With isolation, comes loneliness and depression; and with loneliness, one can become consumed in their thoughts and traumas. Long story short, the holidays can be a difficult time for many people.
Personal Backstory
For instance, I personally do not have the best familial relations. Without disclosing too much information, I’ve often felt like the black sheep in my family. It can be very difficult to discuss hurt feelings, because I was taught emotions are a weakness (even though that is largely untrue). Plus, I tend to feel unheard and swept aside. I am also the older sibling, so I have had to pave the way, be responsible and take accountability for my actions, and have a strong mental framework, especially since two of my three immediate family members have required extra support due to mental fragilities. I’ve felt the weight of family expecting me to play therapist (when in reality, it would be inappropriate, if not unethical, to mix personal and professional dealings; plus, most clinicians do not provide therapy for free). What’s more, I have felt the need to strive for perfection, but even at my best, my accomplishments aren’t always acknowledged/praised, but rather just expected to maintain independent functionality. To be totally honest, I have felt like the scapegoat in many instances, where angry/irrational emotions and thoughts are often inappropriately displaced on me; these are in instances where an apology and personal accountability would be more well suited. This has resulted in my putting up boundaries to protect myself, less visitations, and increased isolation. After all, no one likes to be the punching bag. And no one likes when those boundaries are repeatedly crossed, especially if those boundaries are explicitly stated. I tend to consider myself a very forgiving and reasonable person, but my line is when honesty and trust are clearly violated.
If you have stuck with me so far, thank you… It is not always easy for me to divulge intimate details, but I know I can’t have growth, without vulnerability.
Setting Boundaries and using coping skills
Full self-disclosure, I am not a licensed therapist, and I am not currently gaining clinical hours. So I am not going to pretend I am the expert by any means, but I do have a Master’s in Clinical Psychology and a background in working with clients who have suffered from depression, anxiety, trauma, suicidal ideation, self-harm, grief, and relational strains, to name a few. I am a huge advocate for mental health services, because I believe this can be beneficial to people from all walks of life (even to those without “serious issues”). What many do not know is that I have even attended my own personal therapy in the past (to talk about familial and relationship transgressions). After all, one should practice what they preach.
Of course, therapy can be expensive, and frankly many clinicians have been feeling overwhelmed with their caseloads, as this year has had its extreme challenges. This is why I think it is important to a least be equipped with an understanding about how one may develop resilience and greater coping skills on their own (and with the help of loved ones), especially during certain times of the year, when things may seen daunting.
So let’s talk about boundaries. It is important to set boundaries to protect your energy. Boundaries allow people in, but they tell others when the line is crossed and how you might respond in the event where transgressions follow. In my master’s program I really learned the value of boundaries, as many people in this profession tend to gravitate towards caretaker roles and can experience burnout. Think of it like an emotional gas tank: the more exerted gas you run on, the more your tank becomes depleted, at which point, you start to run on fumes or your car stops working altogether. When the tank runs out of gas, it makes it challenging, if not impossible, to keep going, unless your tank is refilled. You can’t keep giving or using up gas without receiving or replenishing the tank.
Thus, in order to refill that tank, coping skills and social support systems become paramount. Of course, many people may think that social support needs to come from family. While this may be true, it is not the end all be all. Support can come from friends, family, teachers, administrators, health care professionals, pets, religious/spiritual leaders, co-workers, neighbors, etc. It is important to note that the energy you put out, is the energy you will receive. A more simple way to put this is following the golden rule: treat others the way you would like to be treated. When you take the initiative to be kind, respectful, thoughtful, etc to others, this is likely how you will be treated in return. The opposite is also true. Social support systems do not just happen; you have to put the time and energy in in order to create and maintain connections.
In terms of coping skills, this can include a variety of things for different people. For instance, some of my coping skills encompass running, yoga, walking my dog, reading a book, lighting a candle, watching Netflix, listening to music or a podcast, talking it through with a friend/significant other, shopping, journaling, sipping on tea, and engaging in mindfulness meditation, to name a few. Again, coping skills vary between individuals. What I may find comforting may only amplify the noise for another, and what someone else finds enjoyable, may be boring or unamusing from my standpoint. For this very reason, it might be beneficial to create a list on one’s phone/index card/journal so they have go-to coping skills they can reference in situations where the mind becomes clouded.
P.S. I swear I’m not scrooge- I love Christmas time and New Years. It’s truly about who you surround yourself with (chosen family) and what you can do to become more resilient in times where life can be freaken hard. In the words of Taylor Swift, ’tis the damn season!
